Summer for me is about time with family . pic.twitter.com/dtft1CZoyl— Peter Crouch (@petercrouch) June 19, 2017
They say football is a funny old game, although sometimes those talking about the sport or themselves do not intend what they say to be humorous. Nevertheless, over the years, players, managers, commentators and pundits have come up with some great funny football quotes – some intentional, others inadvertent..
100 Funny Football Player Quotes of All Time
Here are our most favourite funniest football player quotes at FootieCentral.
“That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post.”
“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds…totally against the run of play”.
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel”
“Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals”
“I don’t have any tattoos, but that’s mainly because none of my limbs are wide enough to support a visible image.”
“We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought”
“White liquid in a bottle has to be milk”.
“Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home.”
“Manchester City are built on sand and I don’t mean that because their owners are from the Arab countries”.
“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.”
“Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar”.
“Football is a game of skill, we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit”.
“We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match”
“When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.”
“Manchester United dropped points, Liverpool dropped points, Chelsea dropped points, Everton dropped points, so in a way we haven’t lost anything at all really, although we dropped all three.”
“I’ve had 14 bookings this season—eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable.”
“We go into the second half with United 1 – 0 up, so the game is perfectly balanced”.
“Football managers are like a parachutist, at times, it doesn’t open. Here, it is an umbrella. You understand, Mary Poppins”
“if we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket”.
“The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So, when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”
“Diego Maradona – a flawed genius, who has now become a genius who is flawed”.
“You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”
“Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular”.
“Ronaldo’s been given a second yellow for arguing with the life support… err, the linesman.”
“[God] must really think I’m a great guy.”
“I have a problem, which is I’m getting better at everything related to my job since I started”.
“I never succeeded in bringing to the field what was going on in my brain. I had the talent for the fifth division, and the mind for the Bundesliga. The result was a career in the second division.”
“Young players are like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good.”
“I fell in love with football as I would later fall in love with women: suddenly, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain it would bring”.
“Soccer is not about justice. It’s a drama and criminally wrong decisions against you are part and parcel of that”.
“Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win”.
“Football is a game in which a handful of fit men play around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise”.
“In his life, a man can change wives, political parties or religions, but he cannot change his favourite soccer team.”
“Amongst all unimportant subjects, football is by far the most important.”
“Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.”
“Football has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence: in other words, it is war minus the shooting”.
“Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it”.
“Will I become a coach in the future? No way, I’d never be able to put up with someone like me.”
“They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that.”
“If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there”.
“A football team is like a piano. You need wight men to carry it, and three who can play the damn thing!”.
“It’s an unprecedented precedent”
“He dribbles a lot, and the opposition don’t like it—you can see it all over their faces”.
“Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that”
“My wife doesn’t like football. One day she called me ten minutes before a game to find out where I was.”
“I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses”.
“Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank”.
“The Brazilians were shocked, and I supposed that’s why they didn’t tackle me, because they thought there was no way an Englishman is going to do this.”
“Players lose you games, not tactics. There’s so much crap talk about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominos”.
‘I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait.”
“I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country”.
“I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona”.
“When an Italian tells me it’s pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. They are the inventors of the smokescreen.’
“We don’t want our players to be monks. We want them to be better football players because a monk doesn’t play football at this level”.,
Former England striker Peter Crouch was asked in an interview what he would be if he wasn’t a footballer.
Peter Crouch: “A virgin.”
“I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.”
“He’s six foot four and made of custard”.
“What Carew does with a football, I can do with an orange.”
“I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one”.
“They didn’t get angry because I took my shirt off and got booked, they saw my physique and got jealous”.
“Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one”.
“This city has two great teams – Liverpool and Liverpool reserves”
“If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains”
“When I’ve got nothing better to do, I look down the league table so how Everton are getting along”.
“I tried to watch the Tottenham match on television in my hotel, but I fell asleep”.
“I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week, playing some of the best football I’ve ever seen and yet they couldn’t have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets”.
“Sometimes you have a noisy neighbour. You cannot do anything about that. They will always be noisy. You just have to get on with your life, put your television on, and turn it up a bit louder”.
“I love Blackpool. We’re very similar. We both look better in the dark!”
“There was a time in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth”.
“John Hartson’s got more previous than Jack the Ripper.”
“Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season.”
“If people had seen me walking on water, you can be sure someone, somewhere would have complained ‘look at that Berti Vogts, he can’t even swim’.”
“We are the best in the world! We are the best in the world! We have beaten England 2-1 in football!! It is completely unbelievable! We have beaten England! England, birthplace of giants.
“Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana – we have beaten them all. We have beaten them all!
“Maggie Thatcher can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher, I have a message for you in the middle of the election campaign. I have a message for you: We have knocked England out of the football World Cup.
“Maggie Thatcher, as they say in your language in the boxing bars around Madison Square Garden in New York: Your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!”
“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
“Messi, you could drop a tarantula into his shorts and he’ll still be cool.”
“I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband’s as ugly as me, you’d only want to talk football in bed.”
“Maka’s normally a one-in-ten man. Most players score nine out of ten, but he misses nine out of ten.”
“I’m more afraid of my mum than Sven-Goran Eriksson or David Moyes.”
“We’re like a bad tea-bag – we never stay in the cup that long”.
“Only God knows …You’re talking to him now”
“Then Guardiola started his philosopher thing. I was barely listening. Why would I? It was advanced bulls**t about blood, sweat and tears, that kind of stuff”.
“I came like a hero, left like a legend”.
Th77bet – an online sports betting website used to take Zlatan Ibrahimovich’s quote like a slogan for their betting cup: “came like a hero, left like a legend”
“When I go, God’s going to have to give up his favourite chair”.
“Come and see my coaching certificates … they’re called the European Cup and league championships”.
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea”
“If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers, and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap”.
“I might have said that, but on the whole I talk a lot of rubbish.”
“One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch so it is not worthwhile to wait for the World Cup.”
“The river Trent is lovely. I know because I have walked on it for 18 years”.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job”.
“If you’re a burglar, it’s no good poncing about outside somebody’s house, looking good with your swag bad ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don’t advocate that obviously. It’s just an analogy.”
“Giving Cristiano that much time and space on the ball is like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank.”
“In the first half we were like the Dog and Duck, in the second half like Real Madrid, We can’t go on like that. At full-time I was like an irritated Jack Russell!
“The local girls are far uglier than the ones back in Belgrade or Skopje, the capital of Macedonia, where I come from. Our women are much prettier. Besides, they don’t drink as much beer as the Barnsley girls “.
“Every dog has its day and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark”.
“I couldn’t be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!”
“Most of the people who can remember when we are a great club are dead”.
“Again, the medicine man arrives and sinks his flaming spear into the hearts of Real Madrid”
“This is not just a dream, this is a wet dream of orgasmic proportions. It’s got more curves than Jessica Rabbit on steroids “
“To put it in gentlemen’s terms. If you’ve been for a night out and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, you’ve done what you set out to do. We didn’t look our best today, but we pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks she’s not. Our performance today would have been not the best-looking bird, but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best-looking lady we ended up taking home, but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let’s have coffee”.
So these were some of the funniest football player quotes, that should keep you smiling for some time. If you have any others which are worth a mention, feel free to let us know in the comments section below, so we can all continue laughing for some more time. We start with a Peter Crouch tweet and we end with it. That’s how we roll.
I’ve had some proud moments in my career but 2nd in the dads race today was special .— Peter Crouch (@petercrouch) June 30, 2017
Andy is an exiled English football fan living in Cyprus. He loves all sports but football is his abiding passion, and he still has dreams every now and then about scoring the winning goal in a Wembley Cup Final, even though his playing days are long gone. He follows most major leagues, across Europe at least, and has a favoured team in each. When he’s not watching, listening, reading or downloading podcasts about football, he spend his time worrying about his beloved Arsenal.